Post partum anxiety and me.. 

I’ve heard so much “it’s normal to be anxious after having a baby” “oh you’ll never stop worrying about him” “stop worrying, he will be fine!” 

Helpful right? No!

Stop telling me it’s normal to worry,

Stop telling me he will be fine,

It might be normal to worry after having a baby. But this is beyond just worrying. Whilst it may be true that all mums worry about cot death. I don’t think it’s normal to worry so much you are scared to sleep, or to worry so much you won’t let your baby out of your sight. Or to get palpitations and be reduced to tears at the sheer thought of something happen to him the second you can’t see him. The visions that run through your head of every single thing that might happen. 

All I wanted to do for the first months of his life were hold him, cuddle him and never let him go. Everytime someone held my beautiful little baby I was breaking inside. I worried that he would think I left him when someone held him, I worried something would happen to him the second he was out of my vision. 

Before I had Little, I was pretty chilled. With Big I never worried about his health, I never worried if he hurt himself and in the 3.5years of his life he has hardly visited the doctor in comparison to Little. Little has been to the doctors a lot, he did have pretty bad reflux which I left for 13 weeks because I was too anxious to take him to the doctors. His reflux worsened and finally we were seen and put him on medicaition, which didn’t help. But we were back and fourth and he is currently waiting to see a paedtirican. Although going dairy free seems to have solved the reflux issue. 

Everytime he bumps his head I worried as he was always sick. Vomiting following a head injury is a worrying sign, but he was sick so much I never knew what to do. It’s like I’ve got 2 people in my head, one telling me I must take him to the doctor because he will die, and one telling me I’m overreacting and he will be just fine. It’s so hard, but as he’s getting older I am siding with my more rational side. 

Every single night I worry he won’t wake up, he sleeps right next to me and he always starts the night holding my hand and close enough for me to hear him breathing. Although he’s rolling everywhere in his cot now. I cannot sleep at all if I haven’t given him a kiss, because I’m too anxious that if I don’t kiss him before I sleep, he won’t wake up. 

I hate leaving the house to do new things, I don’t like going places just me and my boys because I feel like I’m not enough for them. I would happily sit in all day, but big needs the stimulation of getting out the house. 

It’s getting easier as little is getting older, I’ve started running and it’s done incredible things for me so far. I don’t feel anxious about him at all while I’m concentrating on running. He still doesn’t take a bottle, still doesn’t settle easy for daddy, but together we are getting there.

I know it sounds ridiculous when written, but mental health isn’t ridiculous. There is help out there for those who want and need it. 

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